My goal today:
Write to discover what I know.
My high school English teacher told our class that during my senior year as we groaned about the bimonthly essay assignments, four years ago now. He probably doesn't know it, but that's the pain in my side every time I remind myself how hard I stumbled into falling out of love with the written expression of my inner self that I once found so important. With a deeper look, he also is unlikely aware of the resonance this phrase bears in my continuance of life.
There's a lot about myself I've yet to discover.
You can scroll through any of the half-a-dozen social media pages I entertain and know what days are better than others, when I feel inspired, who I care about, what relationships are falling out of touch and then some. All not very important to the average user perusing for entertaining content, but the beauty of microblog sites like Facebook, Twitter, and the photo stories of Instagram is the story posts make when complied. Almost a year ago when I started this blog I wanted to share my story in a more open and complete sense. I had high hopes and ambitious expectations: polish my writing skills, develop a voice, create portfolio pieces, discover myself. Since then, not much has changed online.
Instead, I think more significant changes took place offline.
The last week of my life has been devoted to spending as little money as possible, finding the balance between what is professionally dressed but not too trendy, scouring job and career postings daily, and filling the time in between. Having time to myself has given me avenues for growth. I learned a lot, and even though college is said to be the biggest time for growth and self discovery, the first part of life after graduation has suddenly become the beginning of a deep and rigorous chapter of life devoted to cultivating, and exploring my authenticity.
Here's the Facts:
I don't do well with down time. A slower pace reminds me all of the reasons why I don't love myself. I remember my desperate need for more time with the Lord, the work I need to put into relationships I've let fall away, and currently, my lack of income.
When I don't know what's coming next in my life, I'm anxious. In the last year, I've religiously researched graduate programs, costs of living and job markets in other cities, and industry expectations in Sioux Falls, SD. I don't know how to live with God's timing, or trusting that good will be provided with patience, trust, and devotion.
I push for what's next, even if I don't have solid ground underneath me. I made a lot of change in who I surround myself with as I worked through college. I used to be the lonely kind, keeping most of my emotions and thoughts to myself, not wanting to bother anyone with them. I found the kind of people who want to simply listen. Instead of telling me what to do, they open up to me in return, and feeling that warmth is the perfect recipe for personal growth.
(Vulnerability + Trust) + (Patience + Warmth) = Inspiration -> Action -> Advancement.
Try it sometime!
There's a few people in my outer circles that don't quite understand why I haven't taken that sales associate position or stayed in the wedding industry. Then there's the people that see the big picture, like me. Being happy isn't about the wages or living a cushy life right out of college. For me, I seek an environment devoted to growth, learning, and support, a company who embraces community and the desire to push their team to the next level. Someone willing to be my support as much as I am their's. And if that means peeling potatoes for the next 2 months, or working at the local bar 7 nights a week to pay rent, I'll get there. And the savory taste of the moment I arrive is the only motivation I need.
So, what now?
For now I'm figuring out who Miranda really is and what makes her special. On deeper level than simple wisdom, living through a variety of experiences molds my ever evolving view of the world. Interviewing for positions I'm excited about at companies I've had my heart set on only to be politely passed over after what feels to be an exhilarating interview is one of the most disheartening experiences an ambitious college graduate can have...again, and again, and again. Those things are hard to rebound from. I'm convinced that's why companies do it.
There's that saying, "it's not how many times you get knocked down, but how many times you get back up", and I'm telling you, yes, get up. Maybe I'm getting turned down because of my lack of experience, or maybe I'm not quite the right culture fit. But as much as being told no hurts when I've convinced myself this particular position is the perfect one, I'm writing a story filled with valor, resilience, and grit I wouldn't otherwise be able to share.
I may not be in a position of grandeur and probably shouldn't be sharing advice of any kind because of it, but if you're in a place of reflection and meditation in your life, here's some of the things I've come to learn and continue to work on everyday.
Don't let other people tell you what you should want. It doesn't matter if it's career goals, relationships (of any kind), or your coffee order. Find it for yourself (I'm still figuring that out in some areas).
Make time to pursue self love and learning. It doesn't matter if that means reading the Bible, going to Target and filling a cart only to walk out without a single purchase, or keeping a journal. Allow yourself to breathe.